Well, for some reason I am on a Rocky rampage. After watching Rocky VI, I ordered the original with the extra disk full of commentaries on how the script was written and the background story from Sly himself on the making of the original Rocky movie. So, in honor of such a great movie, I am going to try my hand at writing for the Rocky franchise, from the ending of Rocky VI. As Mr. Stallone has officially hung up the gloves, I sincerely hope he won’t mind.
Cue: Rocky Theme Music- Trumpet Fanfare (for extra realism, open an additional internet connection and paste this link: http://rocky.ubi.com/ Make sure your sound is turned up. Then come back and read the read the column)
[ROCKY VII in bold white letters scrolls across the screen. Then we see a figure in silhouette, wearing boxing gloves and pushing a four-legged wheeled walker. Fade in to the end of Rocky VI where dozens of assistants, promoters and managers are milling about in the ring, waiting for the announcement of the winner of the bout.]
Lampley: Welcome back, Jim Lampley with Larry Merchant here, your ring announcers for this fight. Larry, how did you score the fight?
Merchant: It was extremely close, Jim. Mason “the Line”
Lampley: Many celebrity and political names are gathered at ringside anxiously awaiting the decision. There’s Hillary Clinton chatting amiably with Donald Rumsfeld of all people. Barney the Dinosaur is in the new children’s area, a unique innovation for this auditorium. There’s something to get the whole family involved.
Merchant: Yes, and none other than Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell are here as well. Think we could get them in the ring?
Lampley: Sign them up! There’s Will Wheaton, Wesley Crusher of Star Trek fame. Ah, here’s the announcer with the decision we have all been waiting for….
Announcer: The winner, by split decision… is… MASON the LINE
[At this point Trump enters the ring and grabs the mike from the announcer]
Trump: It’s a set up! This fight has been rigged against Rocky! We have tape of one of the judges taking a payoff!
[The crowd erupts in turmoil. Rosie, not to be outdone, jumps into the ring as well.]
Lampley: [shouting into the mike to be heard] The crowd is going nuts! Rosie O’Donnell has now entered the ring. Rocky… Rocky is swinging at anything that moves! He’s turned into a complete animal! Rosie is… ROCKY JUST DECKED ROSIE! She came up to him flailing her arms and Rocky scored with a solid right hook! Rosie O’Donnell is down on the mat….
Merchant: Better look out, Jim. He’s leaving the ring.
Lampley: Wesley Crusher, er, Will Wheaton is in the way. He doesn’t see him! Look out!
TRYING HARD NOWWW! IT’S SO HARD NOWWW! TRYING HARD NOWWW!
Lampley: Rocky is making his way around the ring to the VIP section. Hillary Clinton is approaching him with her hands clasped. DON’T DO IT….
Merchant: Well, so much for hitting women….
Lampley: Rumsfeld has jumped to her defense! Now Rocky is tearing into him! RIGHT! RIGHT! LEFT! RIGHT! RIGHT! RIGHT! LEFT! RIGHT! LEFT! Rumsfeld is a HUMAN PUNCHING BAG!
Merchant: Guess those glasses didn’t help much….
FIGHTING HARD NOWWW! IT’S SO HARD NOWWW! FIGHTING HARD NOWWW!
Lampley: Rumsfeld is DOWN! People are scattering, clogging the exits! It’s absolute mayhem here!
Rocky: Adrienne! Adrienne! ADRIEEEEENNE!!!!
Merchant: Rocky is calling for his wife…
Lampley: Didn’t she die a few years ago?
Merchant: One moment. Barney… oh, no. Barney the Dinosaur is running down the isle with his arms outstretched.
Lampley: Barney takes a massive left to the gut! He’s doubled over! Rocky…
Lampley: Rocky just hit Barney so hard he flipped over backwards. Barney has been DECAPITATED!
Merchant: Looks like just the costume head, Jim.
FLYING HIGH NOWWW!!! FLYING HIIIGH!!! HIIIIIIGH!!!!
Lampley: Rocky is just standing there crying. Now he’s… HE’S DOWN! HE JUST FELL OVER ON THE FLOOR! ROCKY’S DOWN!!!
Merchant: Medical teams are scrambling to him. A wary crowd is gathering around where he fell.
Lampley: Looks like they are doing CPR…. Rocky Balboa, after discovering his last fight was rigged, retaliated against any coming near him, causing catastrophe to erupt….
Merchant: He’s dead, Jim.
[Scroll back, with the scene widening. Medical teams are working on Rocky in futility. Fade to black. Still grayscale shots of Rocky courting Adrienne from the original Rocky cycle as the theme music reprises and the end credits roll.]