Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Scientists Determine Al Gore is Cause of Global Warming

A group of highly educated scientists have determined that the cause of global warming is Al Gore himself. Massive amounts of methane, they say, are released from Al Gore each day, up to 400,000 cubic meters of the stuff. When asked about this, Gore allegedly replied that he was making up the difference with offsets, such as only taking one jet plane trip per day and keeping his heated swimming pool down to a balmy 85 degrees in the wintertime. He is also cutting down on his daily Cashew Chicken allotment. Good for you, Al !

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Scientology Capitalizes on VT Shootings

OK, a little piece of news this morning, which is not a surprise to me, but is upsetting. Scientology has 20 “ministers” in Blacksburg, VA, to assist with “grief counseling” for people who may have been traumatized by the shootings that recently occurred at the Virginia Tech campus. Here’s the link:

They did the same thing after 9/11 for NY firefighters and policemen, and after Hurricane Katrina as well. What they are actually doing is proselytizing. They managed to hook 2 firefighters into their cult group, who subsequently left their wives and children in order to pursue Scientologies’ teachings. Scientology teaches that should any person’s family oppose their teachings, they must be “disconnected,” a fact (among many) that is not made clear until the person is well established within the cult.

One of their front groups is the Citizens Commission on Human Rights, a thinly veiled fa├žade, which is used to enable the church of Scientology to have access where it ordinarily would not, in unsuspecting people’s lives.

Tom Cruise is one of Hollywood’s unofficial spokesmen for Scientology. I am most upset with him for lying to the public by claiming that Scientology is compatible with Christianity. It most assuredly is not, the two being mutually exclusive. Let the truth be known!

Monday, April 16, 2007

Anger Management

[Inset-Superhero Mr. Furious, who has the super power of becoming VERY ANGRY]

I seem to be writing a lot about blowing things up, knocking people out and all other sorts of other damaging, hurting, and pillaging. The thought occurred to me this morning, “What are you angry about?” Yes, all the sticks of dynamite, the nuclear bombs, the fight with Rocky- they are all done tongue-in-cheek. However, am I using these as proxies to express feelings that don’t have another way of coming out? I see this with the children I teach each day. Sometimes they lash out, and they don’t know why. Something is upsetting them. Maybe the same thing is happening to me.

Well, I certainly did not feel angry. I am not angry with Rosie O'Donnell or any of the others personally, I don’t even know them. Perhaps I am angry because I am upset with what they represent. Let’s examine this:

I am angry at Rosie O’Donnell because she stated on “The View” that the greatest threat to our country was Christianity. Never mind Islamic extremists that fly planes into buildings, lop people’s heads off, and take people hostage, threatening to kill them unless they deny Christ and convert to Islam. It’s those Christians we need to look out for.

I am angry at Donald Rumsfeld because of his stance on UFO’s. When he visited Iraq, he had a question and answer session with the troops. One soldier asked about the truth of UFO’s, he replied with anger, “You don’t have the need to know!” as he stormed away. "The need to know WHAT?" is my response. This is on the record, by the way. No thanks to the media for playing possum with this story, which if true, is the second most important story in the history of humanity. In my mind, he is part of a system that is corrupt; by consolidating knowledge which rightfully belongs to the people of the world, as it affects us all.

I am angry with Hillary Clinton for her socialistic views on how our country should be changed. I am angry with her for attempting to manipulate us by not portraying herself as she truly is, a callous woman who will stop at nothing to obtain power. I am angry with her for her views on human life, by which my tax dollars are used in the eradication of tiny, helpless unborn babies, in the name of a philosophy that lies to us. They are not human, indeed!

I am angry with TV shows that insult my intelligence.

Dear God,
Here I am, sitting here sort of simmering about things that are completely out of my hands. Please forgive me for not remembering that You are in control. Please forgive me for not relying on You completely. In as much as I am able, I give these things to you in surrender. Take this anger from me, please, for it is not good. I trust You and believe You. You have told me in Your word that it is ok to be angry, but not to allow that anger to turn to sin. I am stewing when I should be praying. Let me see with eyes of understanding, not necessarily of other things, but of how you want me to be. I submit all of myself to You.

I love You,
Glenn =)

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Rocky VII The Movie

Sorry for the delay between posts. I have been busy writing, just not for the blog. Been getting in touch with old friends, you know how that is.

Well, for some reason I am on a Rocky rampage. After watching Rocky VI, I ordered the original with the extra disk full of commentaries on how the script was written and the background story from Sly himself on the making of the original Rocky movie. So, in honor of such a great movie, I am going to try my hand at writing for the Rocky franchise, from the ending of Rocky VI. As Mr. Stallone has officially hung up the gloves, I sincerely hope he won’t mind.

Cue: Rocky Theme Music- Trumpet Fanfare (for extra realism, open an additional internet connection and paste this link: http://rocky.ubi.com/ Make sure your sound is turned up. Then come back and read the read the column)

[ROCKY VII in bold white letters scrolls across the screen. Then we see a figure in silhouette, wearing boxing gloves and pushing a four-legged wheeled walker. Fade in to the end of Rocky VI where dozens of assistants, promoters and managers are milling about in the ring, waiting for the announcement of the winner of the bout.]

Lampley: Welcome back, Jim Lampley with Larry Merchant here, your ring announcers for this fight. Larry, how did you score the fight?
Merchant: It was extremely close, Jim. Mason “the Line” Dixon scored many times to the head, and Rocky was tremendous with his signature work to Dixon’s torso.

Lampley: Many celebrity and political names are gathered at ringside anxiously awaiting the decision. There’s Hillary Clinton chatting amiably with Donald Rumsfeld of all people. Barney the Dinosaur is in the new children’s area, a unique innovation for this auditorium. There’s something to get the whole family involved.
Merchant: Yes, and none other than Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell are here as well. Think we could get them in the ring?
Lampley: Sign them up! There’s Will Wheaton, Wesley Crusher of Star Trek fame. Ah, here’s the announcer with the decision we have all been waiting for….

Announcer: The winner, by split decision… is… MASON the LINE DIXON!!!

[At this point Trump enters the ring and grabs the mike from the announcer]

Trump: It’s a set up! This fight has been rigged against Rocky! We have tape of one of the judges taking a payoff!

[The crowd erupts in turmoil. Rosie, not to be outdone, jumps into the ring as well.]

Lampley: [shouting into the mike to be heard] The crowd is going nuts! Rosie O’Donnell has now entered the ring. Rocky… Rocky is swinging at anything that moves! He’s turned into a complete animal! Rosie is… ROCKY JUST DECKED ROSIE! She came up to him flailing her arms and Rocky scored with a solid right hook! Rosie O’Donnell is down on the mat….

Merchant: Better look out, Jim. He’s leaving the ring.
Lampley: Wesley Crusher, er, Will Wheaton is in the way. He doesn’t see him! Look out!
Crowd: Oooo!
Merchant: Wheaton just took a PUNISHING left hook as he turned around! He must have flown 8 feet!

TRYING HARD NOWWW! IT’S SO HARD NOWWW! TRYING HARD NOWWW!

Lampley: Rocky is making his way around the ring to the VIP section. Hillary Clinton is approaching him with her hands clasped. DON’T DO IT….
Crowd: Oooo!
Merchant: Well, so much for hitting women….
Lampley: Rumsfeld has jumped to her defense! Now Rocky is tearing into him! RIGHT! RIGHT! LEFT! RIGHT! RIGHT! RIGHT! LEFT! RIGHT! LEFT! Rumsfeld is a HUMAN PUNCHING BAG!
Merchant: Guess those glasses didn’t help much….

FIGHTING HARD NOWWW! IT’S SO HARD NOWWW! FIGHTING HARD NOWWW!

Lampley: Rumsfeld is DOWN! People are scattering, clogging the exits! It’s absolute mayhem here!

Rocky: Adrienne! Adrienne! ADRIEEEEENNE!!!!

Merchant: Rocky is calling for his wife…
Lampley: Didn’t she die a few years ago?
Merchant: One moment. Barney… oh, no. Barney the Dinosaur is running down the isle with his arms outstretched.

Rocky: ADRIEEEEEEEENNE!!!

Lampley: Barney takes a massive left to the gut! He’s doubled over! Rocky…
Crowd: Oooo!
Lampley: Rocky just hit Barney so hard he flipped over backwards. Barney has been DECAPITATED!
Merchant: Looks like just the costume head, Jim.

FLYING HIGH NOWWW!!! FLYING HIIIGH!!! HIIIIIIGH!!!!

Rocky: ADRIEEEEEEEENNE!!!!

Lampley: Rocky is just standing there crying. Now he’s… HE’S DOWN! HE JUST FELL OVER ON THE FLOOR! ROCKY’S DOWN!!!
Merchant: Medical teams are scrambling to him. A wary crowd is gathering around where he fell.
Lampley: Looks like they are doing CPR…. Rocky Balboa, after discovering his last fight was rigged, retaliated against any coming near him, causing catastrophe to erupt….
Merchant: He’s dead, Jim.

[Scroll back, with the scene widening. Medical teams are working on Rocky in futility. Fade to black. Still grayscale shots of Rocky courting Adrienne from the original Rocky cycle as the theme music reprises and the end credits roll.]

THE END

G.Houtchens
Armchair coach
Amateur historian