Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Simon Cowell vs. Chef Gordon Ramsey
Sorry for my lack of posts- I am on summer vacation. To whet your appetite for more thoughts from my unusual brain, I decided a post on two tv reality villains would be in order [if you will pardon the puns.] What would happen if two of the most difficult of critics, Chef Gordon Ramsey and Simon Cowell were to meet and become critical of one another? Read on, dear reader, to discover what happens!
Chef Gordon Ramsey: Well, I can't believe we're on the same stage, here at Hell's Kitchen.
Simon Cowell: You belong nowhere near a stage.
Chef Ramsey: What???
Simon: Perhaps your simple mind cannot comprehend honesty. I said....
Chef Ramsey: [turning bright red] Oh, I HEARD what you said, I just can't believe it. What gives you, a gibbering, simpering...
Simon: You not only have no talent, you have negative talent. They should ship you to Iraq to feed the troops. Better yet, perhaps the local McDonalds has an opening.
Chef Ramsey: [Sneering] You little... tart! You're not even that, you're a pop tart! A pasty, bleached, artificially flavoured, [sic] chemically-filled, vacuous IDIOT!
Simon: [Smiling] The truth hurts, doesn't it?
Chef Ramsey: [Face contorting in anger] No one... has ever... used those words to me beforeinmyownkitchen. Sous Chefs! Get out here! We have someone to eject from Hell's Kitchen. Simon, give me your jacket.
[The sous chefs come out and stand behind Simon Cowell.]
Simon: You see... Gordon... or shall I call you Gordo? Perhaps Clamsee or Clumsee might be a more fitting term, hehe. Your sous chefs know which show has the higher ratings. I hired them earlier today to be my personal attendants, and tripled thier pay. The networks love me, the people hate me. That gives ME the power.
Chef Ramsey: I see the game you're playing Cowell. [Ramsey throws a knowing look at his sous chefs.] Well, then, I really don't mind doing what I am about to do. You know, Cowell, they don't call this Hell's Kitchen for nothing.
Cowell: [looking smug in his chair] Puh-lease, Clumsey. You're washed up. A joke. You are a cheap rip-off of... [Simon pauses as the sous chefs move around to stand behind Chef Ramsey.]
Chef Ramsey: [Smirking] Remember all those really BAD auditions you had to give? Don't bother getting up, you'll find you are quite incapable of doing so.
Cowell: What? What? What's happening? I CAN'T GET UP!
Chef Ramsey: Well, they are all back. All the bad ones that is. They are here to audition for you over and over again.
Cowell: You have super glue in my seat? Ok, ok I give! The joke is over!
Chef Ramsey: Oh, not quite. [A queue or line begins to form along the side of the dining area. A spotlight appears on a small side stage off to the side of the dining room.] Chefs! It's time to open Hell's Kitchen! [Two teams of chefs, a red team and a blue team line up in the kitchen.]
Contestant: Here is my song for you: [singing, badly would be an understatement] Micheal, row your boat ashore... halleluiegh....
Cowell: [shouting] No! No! No! This can't be happening!
Chef Ramsey: Not only that, but all the food that does not pass my quality inspection; the underdone meats, the burnt vegetables, the overly salted and cold, mushy, gritty, and pasty dishes that my inadequate chefs prepare- it's all coming straight to your table! Jacques! See to it that our customer receives and consumes all of our rejected food.
Matre' D Jacques: Yes, Chef!
Contestant: Michael, row, your boat ashore....
Cowell: You can't do this to me!
Chef Ramsey: Oh, well, I DID give you a chance to leave, didn't I? Pity....
Theme song from Hell's Kitchen: FIH-YAH! Woo woo woo wooo wooo woo! FIH-YAH! .....