If I Were President

If I were president, these would be my first words to Congress: You are all full of crap. This is the message from the American people carried by me. The reason an independent was elected and both parties were snubbed is because this is the message I was elected to bring to you.

I plan as my first official act as President of the United States to abolish the federal Department of Education by executive order. Any funds that were to go to this agency will go instead to paying down the national debt. Furthermore, I am calling on Congress to abolish the IRS by passing the Fair Tax bill, which I will sign. This will ensure that all persons who are in our country, citizen or not, will pay an equal percentage of taxes; no filing required. It will also insure social security for many years to come.

I will veto any bill which comes before my desk with earmarks. Bills need to contain laws that are of need to our country, not petty, personal public works projects acquired from money which has been stolen from American citizens before they could even collect their paychecks.

All foreign aid will cease until the national debt has been paid, barring international disasters.

I will sign any bill which limits the amounts of personal injury lawsuits. It’s time these vampires of the insurance industry do honest work, instead of hurting our economy at the expense of us all.

I will sign any bill which affirms the rights of citizens by identification of DNA analysis. This will hopefully bring to an end the genocide of over one million Americans each year. If you desire the “choice” of infanticide, that choice will still be available… in Canada.

All borders on this nation which are not monitored by checkpoints are closed. If the Mexican president cannot handle the problem with drug smuggling across the southern border, then I will handle it for him. If any law enforcement officer is required to use lethal force to protect themselves and our country from those who are found smuggling drugs across our border, they will receive a presidential pardon from me that same day. All persons found on the border not belonging there will be arrested, according to the law.

I have thought long on matters in Iraq; matters I have inherited from my predecessor. The bottom line is we have no business there and never had, regardless of intentions. We are not the police force of the world, nor will we be involved in "nation building," importing our form of government to foreign nations much as the Soviet Union did in the 50's and 60's of the last century. To the people of Iraq, in the name of the office of the President of the United States, I issue an apology. I have been in touch with the prince of Saudi Arabia, the president of Turkey and the president of Syria. The country of Iraq will be divided into zones, with armies from each of these countries occupying and securing these areas. Iran will have no part of this matter and its border will be kept secure until such time as our forces can depart.

Although we are not the police force of the world, that does not mean I don’t believe in a strong military, able to respond to world crises as need be. To that end, by presidential order, I am reinstating a limited draft for homeland security purposes only. This will free up troops who will be able to respond for prolonged deployments while keeping homeland security strong.

Furthermore, as you may have heard, earlier this week I accompanied the 82^nd Airborne Rangers and the 54^th Engineer Battalion when we relieved soldiers of duty from Area 51 and Area S-4 in the Nevada desert. While this was occurring, Vice President Gray accompanied the 101^st Airborne Rangers and the 205^th Engineer Battalion with similar orders in Alice Springs, Australia. The commanding officers of those bases and their immediate subordinates were unwilling to follow orders from their commander in chief. There were casualties in the conflagration. Those who survived face trial by court martial on the charge of treason under the Universal Code of Military Justice. After securing the areas we performed thorough searches. The results of these searches will be revealed fully, when I hold my first press conference to speak to the people of America, and the world, one week from today.