Friday, March 23, 2007

Are You Smart Enough Not To Watch TV?

I did something last night that is strictly verboten (forbidden) in this house. I watched TV. Now I feel as though my intellect has been raped. I am ashamed and embarrassed by my fellow humans. I thought we had hit a new low many years ago with the $1.98 Beauty Pageant. I have been proven wrong. The title of this new show is “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?”

I don’t know where they find these people, but I hope this show is pulled… and fast. Really fast. This show makes me want to sign up with Al Qaeda. Last night they had this ditzy blonde woman who was somehow summoning answers through her dimly lit, sluggishly clogged brain by waving her arms around. No doubt she is from California, the site where the show is taped. (my apologies to Bonnie, Tracy and Christie)

Get this: last night this woman won $100,000 not by being able to SPELL the word “YAK,” but by being able to guess HOW MANY LETTERS WERE IN THE WORD. Not only that, but she took 5 minutes debating the actual answer. This makes professional wrestling look like the Harvard debate team. As an educator, I find this form of reward system particularly contemptible. Are you perennially STUPID? Let’s reward you and perpetuate your genetic line. The contestant lost when she could not guess which continent was also a country. (Australia) I do not have words which are strong enough to express my disgust, contempt and utter revulsion at what I was subjected to last night. Shame on me!

In other news, I wanted to thank my sister, Amy, for her gift last year of my night time sleep aid: Star Trek: The Motion Picture. 5 minutes of this and I am out like a light. It really is that boring. Long, stretching sequences of the Enterprise that do not seem to end…. Background music that consists of a single note striking a penny across an open piano bass string (I am not kidding!)…. Blathering dialog that serves no purpose, does not advance what little plot there is, and contains no conflict… not that we really care by the time we get to that point…. Zzzzzzzzz……

See? I fell asleep while writing that brief summary. It truly is a miracle for modern day science to help those who suffer from insomnia. Having family conflicts? Stress keeping you awake? Don’t bother with Sominex or other chemically derived medications. Get Star Trek: The Motion Picture instead!

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