The Gift

Once upon a time there was a certain neighborhood. It was a tradition in this neighborhood for the citizens to exchange gifts during the year with one another. Being the good people that they were, they spent a lot of time preparing these gifts that they could exchange with one another.

Over the years, trends came and left. Sometimes it was in vogue to have really elaborate gifts, wrapped nicely. Other times it was fashionable to have the gifts personalized. It was a nice, quaint setting, similar to the old Andy Griffith show. However, things would not always stay that way.

One resident decided to have extra wide, sparkly ribbons one year. Oh, how nice his gifts looked. Then, all the other neighbors had to get extra wide sparkly ribbons for their gifts, too. You see, one did not want to be the only one to have non-wide and non-sparkly ribbons. Then, someone else came up with the idea of having complex and ornately detailed bows. Of course, it was not long before everyone else was doing the same thing. This trend continued, with flowing, scripted cards, shaped, specialized packaging, and ornate, detailed levels of wrapping paper, one inside the other. Eventually someone even electrified their gift with batteries. Small blinking lights and little music players soon adorned each gift.

The stress for preparing the gifts had begun to increase, exponentially. No one wanted to be seen as giving a less impressive gift than their neighbors. All trends were scrutinized and carefully evaluated so as to have the greatest impact of being a "good" gift.

The time for gift giving arrived, and the neighbors with love and affection traded their gifts with one another, glancing comparatively at the packages they had each prepared. When the gifts were opened, however, the boxes were found to be empty. With sadness they realized that all their effort had been spent trying to make their gift look good, and no time had been left over to actually prepare the gift that they were supposed to give. They had missed the purpose of the gift entirely.

G.Houtchens
armchair coach
amateur historian

The New Declaration of Independence

When it becomes established that it is necessary for a people to remove themselves from the yoke of government; that freedom is no longer cherished nor free; that the government which is supposed to represent them does so in name only; that the government is no longer for the people it claims to represent, only using them to sustain itself; then the time for an accounting has come to hand.

It is true that governments should not be changed for light and transient causes. Evils committed against citizens are bearable in as much as they may be suffered. When language is changed in order to make these violations of nature, even against God's children and our fellow man negligible, when the most vile of motivations- power, greed and pride are so evidenced by our representatives so as to be a testament of themselves, it is time for those in government to rectify such maladies. Failing this, it is the right, duty, and obligation of the people to throw off such government, and to provide a new way of life. To prove this, let the following facts be submitted before a candid world:

The death of 1 million of our fellow humans each year, who are determined to be "not human" not by any genetic test, but rather by a nebulous description of their current form, not accounting the living, breathing, and loving people they may yet become.

The incitement of war in a foreign land, unjustly and unprovoked, regardless of resolutions by international bodies.

The poor vision of our leaders in providing nuclear, chemical, and weapon technology to those governments who shortly thereafter declare themselves to be our enemies.

The right to own land, firearms, and our own lives has been usurped from us.

For imposing taxes without our consent.

The representatives we elect are rife with cronyism, deception and duplicity, being more faithful to their respective political parties than to the constituents they claim to represent.

For spending money that the government does not have, depleting the value of our currency, hurting our economy and putting future generations of Americans into debt, without their consent.

For appointing, without constitutional authority, "czars" who draw tax-funded paychecks, who have no constitutional check in their power, in order to further their political agenda.

For allowing a foreign people to invade our country, against our laws, for the purpose of furthering their own power base.

For allowing us to become indebted and dependent on foreign nations, so as to be incapable of defending ourselves effectively should hostilities break out.

The desertion of foreign allies, Israel and eastern Europe, in their time of need.

This document is a petition for correction, made in a spirit of humility. Let those who serve in government observe and take action upon it, lest our country fall in its top heavy and unbalanced state. Our country was established with the goal of avoiding the Tyrant. It is an admirable one, and worthy of pursuit. The above list of grievances, although incomplete, illustrates the necessity of self examination, and the dangers of corruption and nepotism.

With thanks to Thomas Jefferson,

G.Houtchens
armchair coach
amateur historian

Mr. Biggs

Many years ago in 1977 I had the privilege of attending World History class taught by a gentleman named Frank G. Biggs. Mr. Biggs, like many teachers at Ridgeview High School, had a fascinating variety of personality quirks which made him unforgettable.

I remember sitting in his room many days, where he would do nothing but scrawl notes on the chalkboard (yes, with real chalk) in this horrible chicken scratch handwriting for the entire class. Across the board he would go, not caring that he was standing in the way as he wrote. We would bend and peer and write, write, write. It was an inconvenience at the time, but also a good way to learn the large amount of material he had to cover.

He also had many quotes which he would use over and over. "Ms. LADY! (he would then correct the student for whatever fault he found such as gum chewing or spacing out) and then he would say, "Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it!"

He had a temper, as well. After work for the class that day was finished, his expectation of us was that we would remain seated and silent until the end of class. In such an environment where you have teenage students however, the tendency was to socialize. So, a low level of hushed voices would begin about the classroom. This was, of course, stuff that just *had* to be said. Whisper, whisper, whisper. Then it would get a little bit more widespread and a little more pronounced. Murmur, murmur, murmur. More kids would join in and the noise level would increase. Mumble, mumble, mumble. Then to hear above the mumbling, talking would begin. Blab, blab, blab. At some point Mr. Biggs would come over to a desk and SLAM his hand down like an atomic bomb. BAM!!!!!!!! "I'm ALER-ER-ER-ER-ER-ERGIC TO TALKIN !!!!" He would staccato the R's and his whole body would shake with fury as his eyes bugged out of his head. We would kind of turn and look and fall into silence, our jaws dropped, worried he might have a stroke. Then the process would start over again.

The following story was related to me, but I was not present for it, so I can't vouch for it. Mr. Biggs would slam his hand down on his own desk if he was seated there. I was told that one enterprising soul got up the gumption to loosen the screws on the side of his desk one day. Sure enough, as predicted he slammed his hand down and the desk gave way on one side causing all the books, papers and stuff he had piled there to go shooting down onto the floor. I can only imagine his reaction. I don't know if the student got caught and was sent to "see THE MAN," but the story itself was notable.

He had a trump card though, if you had his class at the end of the day. If the class got loud before or after announcements, he would say, "Stop that TALKIN or you'll be RUNNIN FOR THE YELLOW."

"What? Huh?" people would ask. For those who were new or had not heard it, this was his way of saying that he would hold the class after, so we would have to run to make our bus to get home.

This is much like my own practice of using witty phrases to get what I want from my own classes. "Sit down or you'll be wearing a frown. Find a chair or you'll go nowhere. Stop talking and start walking. Stop flirtin and start workin." They are, I am proud to say, my own creation.


Last but not least, is my own escapade, if you would call it that, in Mr. Biggs class. I remember it was a hot summer day, I was bored, and Mr. Biggs was lecturing. I had a window seat, and I would gaze out onto the baseball field longing for class to be over. I noticed that the watch I wore on my right hand (with the face side on top of the wrist) would catch the sunlight as it came through the window and cause a reflection from the flat glass face onto the windowpane. Well, being particularly bored and stupid, I turned my watch towards the board and had a three inch dot of light dancing around behind him like one of those sing-a-long dots as he lectured. This got a chuckle from the class and Mr. Biggs paused, wondering what was going on. He would turn around to write notes and I would have the dot creeping up his backside like a little spy. Thankfully I stopped before I got caught, or I would have been going down to see "THE MAN."

It is with joy that I write this brief article of my time in Mr. Biggs class. He was in my own opinion, a first rate guy. And to my students, DON'T try the wristwatch-in-the-sunlight trick. I know it. I did it. And I will catch you. Then it will be your turn to see "THE MAN."

G. Houtchens
armchair coach
amateur historian

A Response to Alan

A Response to Alan
(over the origin of life on Earth)

Hey Big Al !

You raised a very thoughtful and intriguing question, one that I am sure many ask themselves. Was life on Earth created in 6 literal days, or did life evolve gradually over a much longer timespan? Actually, the question itself really should be broken down into a series of other questions, because often philosophy and pre-existing assumed conditions are intermixed with the question of the origin of life. Please see my articles regarding the philosophical side of atheism and the origin of species (where I get to take on Dr. Richard Dawkins, Dr. Christopher Hitchens and other famous atheists) here: http://houtchblog.blogspot.com/2008/07/hitchens-vs-houtchens.html; http://houtchblog.blogspot.com/2008/02/in-defense-of-faith-part-ii.html; http://houtchblog.blogspot.com/2007/08/in-defense-of-faith.html. Also please see my three part series, "Do You Have an Answer?"

There is enough reading there to keep you busy for a while, but let me cut to the point of evolution, specifically. When I teach my students evolution, I precede the unit by telling them it is not important to believe evolution, but rather to understand the material so that they may 1. do well on the state mandated standardized tests and 2. so they may make an informed judgement for themselves. Skeptecism has an important place in any purely scientific investigation. Indeed, I tell them not to believe *me,* but to be wary of philosophy creeping into any scientific arguments.

From a personal standpoint, I am on the fence evolution-wise. Could life have arisen by evolution exactly as scientists say? Sure! Can it be indisputably proven? Nope! Does this water down the gospel in my opinion? No, for this would only reveal my incomplete understanding of scripture, not scripture as a representation of Gods truth as being inspired by His Holy Spirit being wrong. The more we realize how very *little* we know, both from a physical and a spiritual perspective, the better off we are.

Some (many) scientists are not willing to accept spiritual truth. They are skeptical of anything metaphysical, and this is their decision. The spiritual realm lends itself very poorly to repeated proof limited to the 5 senses. Besides, if they did, they might actually have to say "we were wrong," and THIS is what they are actually avoiding. It's philosophical arrogance.

Now, is it possible that the Earth and all things in existence formed in 6 physical days? Sure! Why not? It's not like we had someone there with a video camera recording it for posterity to disprove it.

Either way, its ok by me, because creation itself cries out God's existance ( I think that's an argument St. Paul used,) and that shows how wonderful and awesome and magnificent our Lord is.

That help? I hope so, cause I am out of time.

Peace of Christ to you-
Glenn =)

New Heroes for Season 5

Yes, folks, you guessed it! Thanks to my contacts in Hollywood (who LOVES ya, baby???) I have the inside dish on the new volume of Heroes scheduled to come out in September. I am here to deliver the scoop to you, gossip-column-wise.

It was a piece of cake, duck soup, getting this exclusive info. Here are the new, quirky super-powered humans for the latest installment of that series we all know and love, Heroes. Siler will have his work cut out for him this year (no pun intended-BRAINNNSSS!) with this new A-list cast of stars making the cut for the new season.

1. Perfect Hair Man- Yes, you guessed it- John Edwards, with sidekick John Davidson, for those who remember him; their super vulnerability is mirrors; nemesis played by Donald Trump

2. Clothes Washing Man- can separate clothes into whites, colors; nitpicks his foes with rapier wit; digital recreation of Tony Randall of Odd Couple fame

3. Parallel Parking Girl- can parallel park at age 17, resists temptation to apply cosmetics and talk on cell phone while driving, played by Hannah Montana; is derailed by tuning in to "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper

4. The Carpet Bagger- has the super power of making carpets roll up, entrapping foes, played by Jack Black; control is sporadic, often making him the victim of his own power

5. Emo Guy- likes to talk about how he feels, all the time, even though its one emotion; classic role for Ben Stiller who will nail this performance

6. Clean Bathroom Guy- puts the seat down and leaves it looking clean; Paul Reubens- no comment

7. Hot Air- Neal Boortz, blasts libs with hot air; a cameo as himself

8. Potato Chip Dip- reprise of Steve Urkel, confounds foes with super nerdiness, scrambling their brains; recreated immaculately by Jaleel White

So I hope with this news you are looking forward to the next season as much as I am, baby! Yeah! If anyone wants to get in contact with me, I will be by the poolside sipping Shirley Temples with my associate producer, Jethro Bodine. Who LOVES ya, baby?

G.Houtchens
armchair coach
amateur historian

Trust Me, I Know What I'm Doing

There was a show in the 80's that took political correctness before it became the standard by which things are judged and pushed it to it's limits. Now *anything* politically incorrect is going to have my vote. This one, decades later, still tickles my funny bone. The motto, "Trust me, I know what I'm doing," was usually followed by massive carnage. The name of the show, and the main character, was Sledge Hammer.

Inspired by the popularity of Clint Eastwood in the Dirty Harry franchise, Sledge Hammer was the inspiration of a 16 year old screenwriter. His idea of a cop that went beyond all boundaries found its way to ABC and developed a cult following, despite going up against CBS's Dallas and NBC's Miami Vice.

Made in a style similar to Get Smart, this cop spoof show has remained a lasting legacy to comedy, poofy 80's hairstyles, and wanton destruction. Ya gotta love it.

Trust me, I know what I'm doing. Hahahahahaha!

G.Houtchens
armchair coach
amateur historian

Click the movie for a sample-

A Tribute to Mr. J. L. Spain

"Mmmmmmm !!!!!!!!!" he grumbled with his shiny head and jet black hair from behind the wooden podium. "To-DAY," he began, jutting out his jaw like Thurston Howell III, "we will be discussing plant re-pro-duction." His voice, although gravely, had a thick southern accent. He wore an old-fashioned dark suit and tie, and had a bulky 12 inch Motorola walkie talkie attached to his hip which connected him directly to the school office. If you caught him before or after school, he sometimes sported a fedora, made popular later by Indiana Jones.

He walked about the class, thumping the back of his head with a black rubber stopper attached to a 2 1/2 foot long wooden dowel. The teacher was Mr. Spain, one of the wonderfully eccentric, colorful, and patiently talented teachers who served at Ridgeview High School.

"MMMMmmmm !!!!" he grumbled again as a penny rolled forward towards the front of the classroom. "PENNY!" he grinned with satisfaction as he pinned it to the floor with the stopper end of his pointing stick, scooping it up. They were just pennies to us, a reason to distract the class, but to him, they held value. He had grown up in a time when a dozen pennies could buy a loaf of bread or a hamburger. He supposedly kept a count of the pennies he had acquired in class- over a thousand at one point. No one knew if he was just making up the number up or if he really did keep count.

Mr. Spain continued his lesson only to be interrupted by a young girl who was babbling with her friend. "BETH MINOR! That will be a .... Note-A-Shun...." he corrected, jutting out his chin pronouncing the word as he began to get out his book of class offenses.

"Oh, PLEASE, Mr. Spain! Don't give me a Notation. I did not know class had started. Really! I deserve a second chance."

"A second chance eh? Allright. I'll give you a second chance.... I-DEN-TIF-Y... Oogonium." (he would throw out some impossibly difficult vocab word that only the most astute would remember.)

"OOoooonnneee..." he drew the word out, as Beth, in this case, stuttered and stumbled making up some kind of purely nonsensical baloney. It was hilarious.

"Twooooo..."

"Oh, it's um, it's this thing, this plant thing, yeah, and it's got this planty kind of stuff...."

"THREE! THREE STRIKES AND YOU'RE OUT!" He would grumble to himself some more as he made the notation in his book. "Mmmmmmm...."

At one point a student began a comic strip there at the school called "The Adventures of Bubblehead," which was quite popular as I recall. It featured the Mr. Spain (Bubblehead) with the muscular body of Superman zooming into the sky to write notations, capture pennies, and destroy the Japs.

When we got bored, we would ask him to tell us stories about World War Two (also to use up class time.) I'm certain he knew our motivations, but many times he relented and regaled us with tales of his exploits. "Mr. Spain, tell us about the war!" someone would raise their hand, asking eagerly.

"I remember when I was in Burma..." his voice would grate through the silent class. "The time was twenty three hundred and forty five hours..." (military time, which made little sense to us high schoolers- HEY! The clock only goes up to TWELVE!!! But no one interrupted him, even hearing the story for the second or third time.)

"There were two girls there... MIMI and FIFI (he did not go into specifics, only telling us their names) We were in our tents that night, but the JAPS had us surrounded...." Then he would go into this speil about the fighting that occurred that night.

Such wonderful times. We did not really understand it, but we were in the presence of a war hero.

Before tests, he would have what was called the "Maaaad Minute," where anyone could ask him anything that might be covered on the test. Usually, it was filled with wise guys asking completely inane questions that had nothing to do with the class! Afterwards, he would line up our tests on his podium and grade them in just a few minutes with a thick red marker after we had taken them. This was in a time before scantrons were used.

At the end of the school year when asked to sign our yearbooks instead of writing a personalized message, he would get out a big stamp that had his signature engraved in rubber, which he would then stamp underneath his picture! How odd but truly endearing.

In retrospect, I am still very thankful to have been in his class. Yes, I have since then forgotten much of the high school biology he taught us, but he was a wonderful teacher and a wonderful person. Sadly, he has now passed on as many of our WWII vets have, but Mr. Spain, wherever you are, thank you. And here is a penny for you =).

G.Houtchens
armchair coach
amateur historian