[Above: Krypto as he is supposed to appear]
Spoilers herein, not that it matters.
Sigh. The biggest MEH I have ever seen in my life. Including Charlie and the Chocolate Factory 2005 (not to be confused with the brilliant Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory 1971.) That says a lot.
I used an old $25 Regal Cinema card (thanks, Tom and Dianne!) so that way I could tell myself that it was not actually money going to Hollywood, which I despise, but rather money which had already been spent. Onward.
There were some good points, which I will leave to the end. So, what problems plagued Superman from a writer’s standpoint, in the new Gunn Superman 2025?
The opening scene started with issues. The big, blue boy scout was getting his rear handed to him. This should not have happened to the extent it did. Considerations notwithstanding. Then we have the first appearance of Krypto in a movie, which I thought was lovely. Unfortunately, it is not the Krypto of the comic books. This one was more of a terrier. Krypto should have been a large breed, short haired, white-haired Doberman/Pit Bull mix. Krypto pulls daddy to the Fortress of Solitude where robots, a call back to years past, attended to his wounds.
Supes gets so distracted after he is healed, he ignores the only heat source within 500 miles, a nanobot powered supervillain working for Lex Luthor who pinpoints the location of the Fortress of Solitude. This person literally becomes what they think, which is a cheap rip off of Plastic Man, who truly embodies the original concept.
Back to the story. Lex manages to GET INTO the Fortress of Solitude, where Nano-girl is able to HACK INTO, DEFRAG, TRANSLATE and READ Kryptonian messages in a matter of seconds. Right, even though the technology and language is from a foreign planet. Already the suspension of disbelief has been lost. Further, Kal El’s parents, according to the now uncluttered and readable message in English, tell Kal to KNOCK UP the entire female population of the planet and to push men out of the way. To me, this speaks of why deranged Hollywood sex obsessed libs should not be entrusted with keeping the mantle of our heroes untarnished.
“Holy bad morals, Batman!”
“Indeed, old chum!”
Compare the speeches of the various versions of Jor-El:
Jor-El Superman speech 1978, as portrayed by Marlon Brando
You will travel far, my little Kal-El, but we will never leave you, even in the face of our deaths. The richness of our lives will be yours. All that I have, all that I have learned, everything I feel, all this and more, I bequeath to you, my son. You will carry me inside you all the days of your life. You will make my strength your own; see my life through your eyes, as your life will be seen through mine. The son becomes the father and the father; the son. This is all I can send you… Kal-El.
Simply brilliant.
Jor-El Superman speech from Man of Steel 2013, as portrayed by Russel Crowe
We couldn’t come with you, Kal, no matter how much we wanted to; no matter how much we loved you. Your mother, Lara and I were the product of the failures of our world as much as (General) Zod was. You are as much a child of Earth now, as you were a child of Krypton. You can embody the best of both worlds- a dream your mother and I dedicated our lives to preserve. The people of Earth are different from us, it’s true. But ultimately, I believe that’s a good thing. They won’t make the same mistakes we did. Not if you guide them, Kal. Not if you give them hope. That’s what this symbol means. The symbol of the house of El means hope. Embodied within that hope is the fundamental belief of the potential of every person to be a force for good. That’s what you can bring them.
James Gunn’s Superman, 2025
Impregnate them all whether they want it or not. [My words, Jor-El’s intent]
Lets do some simple math. Let's say roughly half the Earth's population is female. That's 3.5 billion people. We can say one quarter of those people are of child bearing age, which amounts to 875 million people. If it takes 5 seconds for each copulation, that is a total of 4 billion, 375 million seconds. Since there are 86,400 seconds in a day, it will take the Man of Steel 50,636 days to accomplish the task, or 138 years of doing nothing but impregnating women, 24/7.
"Holy Al Bundy, Batman!"
"There must be some dastardly, nefarious scheme behind this Robin! To the Batmobile!"
There is. The scheme is James Gunn. Such a crap storm of failure. This insane idea is found in zero iterations of Superman until James Gunn happened along, which has him in the utter gutter of disgusting contempt. Attention, all authors! This is what can happen when you sell your baby, your creation, for a buck.
Meanwhile, in a run-down part of the city, Jimmy Olsen, who is suddenly a stud (which has occurred NEVER in any film version of Superman) is playing around with Lex’s Exes, and this solves a major plot point later on. You can’t make this stuff up. Just writing the words “Lex’s Exes” should have a penalty attached to it, like “You are not allowed to write another word for five years.”
As this occurs, Lex is throwing out a building-sized, standing, fire-breathing Axolotl to play Whack-a-Building in Metropolis to distract the Man of Steel.
Then we have more bad writing. Instead of kidnapping and “Save Martha” like we had in Batman vs. Superman, we have even more kidnapping in the form of Metamorpho’s child and Krypto as well. Um, I think the kidnapping theme has been worn out, WB. We have the Justice “Gang” which consists of Hawkgirl, Guy Gardner (the “annoying” Green Lantern,) and Mr. Terrific. While I like the first appearance of all these heroes, the choice of which heroes to include has me shaking my head in consternation. No Batman (who is a genius level intellect that would have Lex Luthor spinning in circles)? No Martian Manhunter? No Doctor Fate? No Flash? The Justice Gang, as they call themselves are nearly useless, except as cheap plot filling.
Lex has a “pocket universe” to put undesirables. Like Superman and Metamorpho. Lex threatens to kill Krypto and leaves the heroes imprisoned in the pocket universe while he plans to take over the world, the first step of which is starting his own country. Superman and Metamorpho manage to break out and save Krypto. Unfortunately, no one manages to save me from this movie and the thousands of monkeys typing crap about Superman on the internet.
Superman breaks free and manages to save Metropolis as well as stop a war between two imaginary countries. Lex gets super frustrated and screams his way into prison when the Justice Gang spills the goods on Lex’s attempt to form his own monarchy. It is out of character to have Lex act so rashly. He is supposed to be super cool and super intelligent, not super emotional.
Then just when I thought I had enough, Supergirl makes an entrance. But instead of the beautiful and charming Helen Slater, we are treated to Super Lush, who wants to get and stay drunk. Credits roll and I am out of there.
Oh, I almost forgot, the good parts. Superman and Lois get into a drama fight. At this point I walked out to get a tub of popcorn. When I got back, I discovered that the drama fight was just finishing and I had not missed a thing. Lemme see. I was quite happy after the movie was finally over and I got to walk out. The actor who played Superman did a decent enough job with the script that was foisted upon him, but we all know that Henry Cavill was the man who was worthy of wearing the cape.
These are my thoughts on Superman 2025. Coming up next, Picard, Season Two. How much punishment can one man take? As Dr. Zachary Smith might say, “Oh, the pain dear boy. The pain.”
G.Houtchens
Armchair coach
Amateur historian
