Coronovirus Seinfeld
Yesterday on an acquaintance’s thread,
someone came up with the epic idea of a Coronovirus Seinfeld episode. I thought
the idea was so fantastic, I wrote two scenes. Here they are- enjoy!
Scene: George is in his apartment playing
City of Heroes, with the social isolation quarantine in effect. Jerry is also
playing online in his apartment. They type at one another in team chat.
George: Hahaa! Now we have him where we want him!
Jerry: Just be careful. As the healer, I am responsible for your ass.
George: Nothing can stop us, Superheal! I'm the tankiest tank that ever lived! Major T-Bone is the best!
Jerry: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just do your job.
(a passerby hero named Captain Megatron happens upon the scene. He kills the enemy they have been fighting with one blow and continues on)
George: Did you see that Jerry? Captain Megatron stole our bad guy! He STOLE IT!
Jerry: There are more to defeat.
George: (typing furiously) There's no way I am going to let him get away with this! I'm activating the NeoNano Matrix trainer!
Jerry: But George, that hacks the mainframe of the game. It's cheating.
George: He cheated us first!
Game Master Positron: You have been caught cheating by using a game hack. Your accounts are now banned.
George: MEGATROOOOOONNNNN !!!!!
George: Hahaa! Now we have him where we want him!
Jerry: Just be careful. As the healer, I am responsible for your ass.
George: Nothing can stop us, Superheal! I'm the tankiest tank that ever lived! Major T-Bone is the best!
Jerry: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just do your job.
(a passerby hero named Captain Megatron happens upon the scene. He kills the enemy they have been fighting with one blow and continues on)
George: Did you see that Jerry? Captain Megatron stole our bad guy! He STOLE IT!
Jerry: There are more to defeat.
George: (typing furiously) There's no way I am going to let him get away with this! I'm activating the NeoNano Matrix trainer!
Jerry: But George, that hacks the mainframe of the game. It's cheating.
George: He cheated us first!
Game Master Positron: You have been caught cheating by using a game hack. Your accounts are now banned.
George: MEGATROOOOOONNNNN !!!!!
Scene: Jerry is in his apartment. He goes
to answer the knock on the door.
Newman: (disdainfully) Hello, Seinfeld.
Jerry: (with remorse) Hello, Newman.
Newman: There's a piece of certified mail for you. You'll have to sign for it.
Jerry: Contracts from my agent, probably. (as he signs)
(Newman hands over the package and exits the door)
Jerry: Oh Newman! (he calls nicely, causing him to turn just outside the door)
(Newman turns around just as Jerry slams the door in his face)
Jerry chuckles to himself and turns back to the TV. Shortly, there is another knock on the door. Jerry gets up and opens the door, only to find it is Newman again, who pushes himself into the apartment.
Newman: I was ordered to come back inside by the police. It seems the quarantine now extends to mailmen.
Jerry: That means... oh my god, no. That means you are stuck in here with me!
Newman: (delighted) Yes, Jerry! (he grabs a bag of potato chips from the cabinet and starts devouring them) Mahahaha! (he laughs with a mouth full of food)
Jerry: The way things are going with email, mailmen will be out of work soon, anyhow.
Newman: You underestimate the POWER of the US Mail Service!
Jerry: Amazon has their own delivery service. And then there is FedEx, The United Parcel Service, the list is growing. And the US Mail is shrinking.
Newman: (with an evil look) Alright, Seinfeld, (he says as he seats himself on the couch with the potato chip bag) you have forced my hand. Open that package I just delivered to you.
Jerry: Whatever. (he opens the package and retrieves the papers inside) What?? This can't be! All my bookings have been cancelled!
Newman: That's right Seinfeld! With the coronovirus there will be no more shows, no more stupid jokes! No more comedy. But it gets better. (Newman smiles)
Jerry: (continues reading) Kenny Banya is replacing me with taped performances?
Newman: Hahahahaaaa! THAT is the true joke.
Jerry gives Newman a look then goes over to the phone to call George.
Jerry: Hello George? Yes, I have to talk to you about.... (pause) No. No, George, I told you never to tell anyone about my stash of toilet paper on the balcony.
(Newman makes a dash for the window. Jerry hangs up the phone quickly)
Jerry: No, wait! You can't get my stash!
(Newman clambers out the window onto the fire escape)
Newman: Hey. I don't see any stash out here.
Jerry: No, you don't. (as he slams the window shut and locks it)
Newman: Hey! You can't do this to me!
(Jerry smiles and pulls the cord on the blinds, then turns back to the TV)
(Bass riff)
Newman: (disdainfully) Hello, Seinfeld.
Jerry: (with remorse) Hello, Newman.
Newman: There's a piece of certified mail for you. You'll have to sign for it.
Jerry: Contracts from my agent, probably. (as he signs)
(Newman hands over the package and exits the door)
Jerry: Oh Newman! (he calls nicely, causing him to turn just outside the door)
(Newman turns around just as Jerry slams the door in his face)
Jerry chuckles to himself and turns back to the TV. Shortly, there is another knock on the door. Jerry gets up and opens the door, only to find it is Newman again, who pushes himself into the apartment.
Newman: I was ordered to come back inside by the police. It seems the quarantine now extends to mailmen.
Jerry: That means... oh my god, no. That means you are stuck in here with me!
Newman: (delighted) Yes, Jerry! (he grabs a bag of potato chips from the cabinet and starts devouring them) Mahahaha! (he laughs with a mouth full of food)
Jerry: The way things are going with email, mailmen will be out of work soon, anyhow.
Newman: You underestimate the POWER of the US Mail Service!
Jerry: Amazon has their own delivery service. And then there is FedEx, The United Parcel Service, the list is growing. And the US Mail is shrinking.
Newman: (with an evil look) Alright, Seinfeld, (he says as he seats himself on the couch with the potato chip bag) you have forced my hand. Open that package I just delivered to you.
Jerry: Whatever. (he opens the package and retrieves the papers inside) What?? This can't be! All my bookings have been cancelled!
Newman: That's right Seinfeld! With the coronovirus there will be no more shows, no more stupid jokes! No more comedy. But it gets better. (Newman smiles)
Jerry: (continues reading) Kenny Banya is replacing me with taped performances?
Newman: Hahahahaaaa! THAT is the true joke.
Jerry gives Newman a look then goes over to the phone to call George.
Jerry: Hello George? Yes, I have to talk to you about.... (pause) No. No, George, I told you never to tell anyone about my stash of toilet paper on the balcony.
(Newman makes a dash for the window. Jerry hangs up the phone quickly)
Jerry: No, wait! You can't get my stash!
(Newman clambers out the window onto the fire escape)
Newman: Hey. I don't see any stash out here.
Jerry: No, you don't. (as he slams the window shut and locks it)
Newman: Hey! You can't do this to me!
(Jerry smiles and pulls the cord on the blinds, then turns back to the TV)
(Bass riff)
The end
