Houtchens verses Vick- The Game!

You KNOW you have waited for this, and I am about to bring it to you in a 7 part series, chock full of tantalizing screenshots, play analysis, and excitement! It’s the showdown you have been waiting for! Glenn Houtchens vs. Michael Vick! The chunky, out of shape, bald middle school teacher verses the fastest quarterback in the NFL! I’m IN THE GAME, BABY! All of this is thanks to EA Sports and my own fertile imagination. So let’s get started….

I am going on the idea that after I played linebacker at Maryville College, I devoted myself completely to developing myself into a candidate for the NFL draft. I bulk myself up and pump weights until I look like the missing link. I do speed drills, stay after every practice with the coaches and get myself so psyched up that I am a walking advertisement for mental health institutions and testosterone… then comes the draft. In this case, I get drafted by [drum roll]… the Houston Texans. Normally, this would be (in my own opinion) a reason for immediate hari-kari. A shame that I did not get picked by the Atlanta Falcons, my preferred and hometown team, but, I thought, why not give it a try? My contract is only 2 years and by the time I am a free agent, I will have developed into a more seasoned, refined veteran, able to shop myself around for the team of my choosing.

A short note about the league in general- in this league I am going on the assumption that the rumored trade talks between the Falcons and the Raiders are true, and Vick will be traded to the Raiders for an unspecified draft pick, as well as some cap compensation (perhaps a renegotiation?) after June 1^st. Additionally, Roddy White was traded to the Houston Texans for a defensive back.

In the pictures above: 1. Shortly after the kickoff, there is a fumble. 21 players make a mad dash for the football. Unfortunately for all of us, the REFEREE is standing right on top of the ball and it is so crowded on each side he can’t move. It’s a shame the game will not allow us to clobber the zebra that gets in the way with a clothesline.

2. Vick learns that when he tries to gain yardage with me playing linebacker, that it’s hard to run without legs.

Houtchens vs. Vick pt.2

Vick manages to connect with the Raiders fullback, Zack Crockett, on a fade. He scampers down the sidelines for a score, outrunning all of the Houston defensive backs. (I was in a zone coverage, otherwise he never would have caught the ball.)

1. and 2. In their next series, I show my displeasure by attempting to unscrew the head of Justin Fargas from the rest of his body. The referees do not share my point of view, and they hit me with a 15 yard facemask penalty.

Houtchens vs. Vick pt.3

1. and 2. In this image, you can see that Vick has Jerry Porter wide open down the sidelines. There are a number of plays like this, with this being only one example. I am busy chasing some guy out of the zone as noted by the blue circle. The defensive back has deep coverage on the far right hand side. This setup worked perfectly for the Raiders. However, in the second picture you can see that Vick has thrown a wormburner to the wide open receiver (note the shadow). Further, Porter is not even turning around to look at the ball. Guess he knows ahead of time that it will not be catchable.

Houtchens vs. Vick pt.4

This is a great screenshot and it deserves its own space. David Carr, our quarterback, is much like Vick, sort of like Jekyll and Hyde: mostly poor play with sporadic moments of greatness. Houston has a great receiving tight end, a rookie by the name of Daniels. Great downfield speed and hands, but he blocks about as well as a tackling dummy. Here, Carr waits until the free safety has swiveled his hips to meet Roddy White on a deep downfield post route. Carr then splits the coverage perfectly, hitting Daniels on a go route in between all three defenders for a touchdown.

Houtchens vs. Vick pt.5

1. I found it easier to blitz Vick from his blind side than to approach from his field of view. Here I am abandoning my left flats coverage (note that Zack Crockett is wide open in the zone I am supposed to cover) on a delayed self-inspired blitz. To heck with the coaches… I want to own this 1000 yard, 120 million dollar pampered pigeon!

2. He still does not notice me as I make my acquaintances. Mr. Vick, please allow me to introduce you to my friend…. MR. TURF !!!!!!!!!!! You like grass right? Have all you want!

Houtchens vs. Vick pt.6

I was waiting for this the entire game. Late in the fourth quarter Vick tries to make a comeback for the Raiders. I hunker down and wait patiently for the inevitable crossing route to his favorite target, the tight end. I spring my trap and make the interception as shown here. Immediately afterwards, the entire offensive line of the Raiders turned into Renaldo Nehimiah as they chase me down the sidelines and prevent me from scoring. Our offense then goes 3 and out (no small wonder there) and kicks a field goal.

Houtchens vs. Vick pt.7

This is my favorite screenshot of the game. It’s the last drive of the ball game. Vick is scrambling around trying to get yardage and score. I am having none of it. Here I am stripping the ball and flashing a smile at the cameras at the same time. Beautiful. Why am I able to strip the ball? Hmmm. Oh yes, that’s right! After 6 years in the NFL, Vick still carries the ball WELL AWAY from his body! The offense takes over and runs out the clock, sealing the victory. I also get my personal revenge.

For many years, Vick was the greatest football player on the Atlanta Falcons… for the other team! As you can see from my pictorial, he is now doing the same for the Oakland Raiders, a team that truly deserves it.

I am glad Vick is able to make a hip hop fashion statement by keeping one chinstrap unbuckled when he plays. Perhaps he can make a different statement in his game performance one of these days… consistent competence! In the meantime, here is my caveat: should Vick ever lead the Falcons to a win in the Super Bowl, I will PERSONALLY erect a website with my apologies to him for the way I have treated him in my articles.

I am not holding my breath. Prove me wrong, Mr. Vick!

G.Houtchens
armchair coach
amateur historian