Look at the Little Jellyfish!

This story illustrates the fact that my father and I are definitely related. (see my previous story, “Look at the Cute Little Cactus!”) It occurred one of those summers long ago when our family owned a timeshare apartment in Hilton Head. I was not present for this event, but received this story from my sister and also from dad, and relate it to the best of my recollection.

Dad had gone to the beach with my sister for some fun in the ocean. As he was wading about in the waters getting sprayed by ocean waves, he noticed a small jellyfish floating in the water 10 to 15 feet away.

“Look at da liddle jeddyfish!” he exclaimed in a high voice, his tone going up high then coming back down. I can imagine him pointing at it and being proud of his oceanic find. The Jaques Cousteau of Hilton Head Island had discovered this fascinating new creature with only 15 minutes of experience.

Dad waded over to this small sea creature to more accurately observe its undulating bell as it struggled vainly against the mighty current of the sea. It was near the surface of the water and was blindly riding the waves towards its eventual destination on the sand of the beach. What dad did not see were the hundreds of other jellyfish that were deeper underwater that surrounded this lone individual. (A school of jellyfish is known as a smack.)

It was a painful experience, I am told. What makes it worse is that the tentacles of these creatures tend to stick to your skin. When one moves, it naturally pulls all the other tentacles into contact. I understand they used Adolf’s meat tenderizer to treat the stings, but as so much time has passed, and as I was not present, the specific events are not as clear as they once were.

The moral of the story is: The best defense is a good offense. Several sticks of dynamite with waterproof fuses would have made the water safe for collection and examination of sea creatures using mesh netting and approved safety equipment.

G.Houtchens
humanitarian
environmental ecologist
marine ethicist

Spider-Man and Kentucky Fried Chicken

As we go through life, we all deal with issues. Character issues, money issues, relationship issues, etc. Issues within ourselves and those that involve others. We deal with these issues in different ways, usually by avoiding pain and seeking pleasure, in differing degrees.

That being said, I believe we are basically all in the same boat, in this manner. What happens though is that we need to be tested to sharpen our will. We need to rise to challenges that greet us. It does little good to sharpen a sword on a wooden dowel, yet that is what I have found I have done for most of my life, in embracing pleasure and avoiding pain. My current challenge is to live a healthier lifestyle, by exercising, eating a bit more properly (meaning, no more school lunches!) eating *less*, and doing what I need to do, instead of just what I want to do. I find that my physical issues seem to parallel my spiritual ones. One cannot gorge themselves on Kentucky Fried Chicken all day each day, avoiding the simplest physical tasks and expect to stay healthy. The same is true in a spiritual sense. (It has been a long while since I have had KFC, I use this example to make a point.)

We need to make a difference in the lives of those around us, not in enforcing our dogma upon them, but in forgiveness, love and acceptance, regardless of where they are in life. “In as much as you have done it to the least of these, you have done it unto me.” Accept those who are unacceptable, without approving of destructive behaviors. Befriend those who are friendless. Love those who are unloved. Help those who are helpless. This can be done right where we are, each and every day, by direct action and through prayer. (I realize this is a misleading statement, as prayer is strong and effectual action, but I state this as a contrast.)

There is truth. There is a moral standard for our lives. His name is Holy. And HE *desires* communion with us. With Him, all things are possible.

I was at the cardiologist’s office yesterday for a full battery of tests, per orders from my GP (my physician). They injected me with all kinds of radioactive goop (I have been known to climb the wall at work, but that is out of a sense of frustration, rather than having the powers of Spider-Man.) They took pictures of my heart before and after exercise. They also took ultrasound pictures of my heart going lub-dub.

While I was in the waiting room between tests, I was talking with a gentleman in his mid sixties, whom I shall call Mr. Goldberg. He had medium length over the collar black hair which had just started to thin. He also had a thin lower moustache, the kind that Clark Gable used to sport, an interesting contrast. He spoke with a New York accent. He told me of the numerous operations he had undergone. He had stents implanted, (these are somewhat like the little springs found in retractable pens that are used to keep arteries open) then a quadruple bypass, then more stents. I asked him about his life and he began to tell me such wonderful stories. Living on a farm in Maine and rebuilding a house from the 1800’s. Building a log cabin using nothing more than a 4 inch hatchet. I was amazed at what Mr. Goldberg had accomplished. These are things that I can only dream of. When I expressed wonder at the life he had lived, he pooh-poohed me, seeing only his failures and disappointments. I considered this, how our view of ourselves is so often colored by our experience. It made me wonder at how God sees us, truthfully.

I believe that God was with me in that office, yesterday. You see, I was not cursed, having to undergo all these tests, being poked, prodded, and injected. I was blessed, because now, I have someone new to pray for. Sometimes, it’s all just a matter of perspective.

Look at the Cute Little Cactus!

About 15 years ago, when I was visiting my father and his wife at their Norcross address, I happened upon a prickly pear cactus that was growing in his yard. (We are currently finishing up our plants unit in school.) I exclaimed, "Look at the cute little cactus!" It had extremely small spines, which resembled a type of fur. Now this one leaf had fallen off, and feeling sorry for it, I picked it up. Dad said to me, "I wouldn't do that, Glenn." Ignoring his senile, demented and obviously insensitive advice, I began to pet it. "Poor little cactus fell off the bush. Awww!" Again, Dad had to interject with his unwanted and unsolicited advice. "I wouldn't do that, Glenn."

I stated the obvious to the oblivious when I told him, "I am not getting pricked. See? I am petting it with the grain. Dad just shook his head. Well, a little while went by and I put the cactus, which was doomed to die because it was seperated from it's stem, back where I had found it and joined my family inside the house. After a while, my hands began to itch. How odd, I thought. Then I looked down at my hands.

Millions of tiny, almost microscopic cactus spines had embedded themselves all over my hands. In the creases between my fingers, everywhere. "What's the matter, Glenn?" dad asked.

"Ummm.... do you have a pair of tweezers?" I asked. It was then that this evil parental smile spread across his face.

"Oh, you got stuck??? Noooo!!!!!" He could barely contain himself from expressing such glee at being right. My pain meant nothing whatsoever. He had asserted his wisdom (intelligence), I had asserted my folly (idiocy), and we both knew it. I could do nothing but wait upon his benevolence as only he knew where the God forsaken tweezers were in that house.

The moral of the story is, listen to your parents. They know better!

Bill and Ted's Excellent UFO Video

I was perusing UFOCasebook.com, and I happened upon this video that demonstrates why it is so difficult to accept more questionable, validatable occurances. In it, the two men who are photographing lights over Lake Erie are heard to express themselves with the following intellectually stimulating conversation:
"Whoooahhh, duuuude!"
"Maaan!"
"Whoooaahh!"
"Check out those lights, duuude!"
"Yeah! Whoah, man, here comes another one!"
"Whoooaaahhh!"
"It's like, a mothership, duuude!"
"Maaaan!"
"They are like, meeting!"
"Whoooaaahhh"
"Duude, this isn't even right."
"Duude, I got this on tape!"

In any event, here is the link so you can see it for yourself... dude.
http://www.ufocasebook.com/eastlakeman.html

The Pudding Story

Introduction
This event actually occured in college.The year is 1981, Maryville College, Tennessee. I am a linebacker for the football team, and as such, one of the perks is being able to sit at the "training table," where atheletes are indulged with as many extra helpings of whatever sumptuous delectable they desire. As all the atheletes are gathered together, and as we sometimes get bored with each other, there at times occurs a restlessness, a collective desire to do mischeif, and we, the long armed, well muscled, mature, handsome, upstanding young men degenerate into brutish, hulking, mindless, drooling, immature idiots looking for a place to happen.

Enter the Pudding
One particular summer afternoon the menu called for beef stroganoff and one of the desserts was pudding with a dollop of whipped cream on top. It was served in a small side dish, the kind one usually gets iced cream in. There were a number of these dishes at the end of the serving line, not being terribly well attended as they were not too popular. We were all sitting around mulling over what we were going to do, when one of our linemen whose name escapes me went over and brought back a dish of butterscotch pudding. He endured several scathing comments about what the pudding might look like during late afternoon practice after being eaten, and said "just watch."

The Operation
Using a flat bottomed knife, he removed the dollop of whipped cream with the precision of a skilled surgeon and placed it on the side. Using a spoon, he scooped out a portion of the butterscotch pudding forming a hole in the wiggly tan glob. Into this hole he placed a spoonful of beef stroganoff followed by a liberal amount of yellow mustard. One by one our faces lit up, and realizing what this meant, grins spread evilly across our young faces in infantile glee. Carefully, he placed the dollop of whipped cream on top and smoothed it back over.

The Bait
He strolled back to the serving line nonchalantly with the carefully doctored "surprize" and placed it amongst the others, then came back to our table without being detected. We waited in anticipation. Students went through the lunch line ignoring our little treat... until.... There was one girl getting her lunch- a very pretty but rigid and studious young thing who showed an interest in the desserts. She was perfect. Her hair was perfect. Her makeup was perfect. Her clothes were perfect. She was perfectly composed and had a perfect demeanor. She was "Miss Priss" to a tee. Guess which dessert she chose.

Anticipation
We waited for her to finish her meal, stealing glances at her and trying hard not to smile, laugh or look suspicious. She pulled the pudding closer as she babbled with her girlfreind. Slowly, she pulled a spoonful of the concoction towards her mouth, then waited while she finished a reply. She placed the pudding into her mouth as her face squinted and wrinkled in revulsion. "Bwahahahahaha!" we all burst out laughing as she brought a napkin to her mouth and gave us a dirty look. To me, it was one of those times that makes college a memorable experience.

If I Were President

If I were president, these would be my first words to Congress: You are all full of crap. This is the message from the American people carried by me. The reason an independent was elected and both parties were snubbed is because this is the message I was elected to bring to you.

I plan as my first official act as President of the United States to abolish the federal Department of Education by executive order. Any funds that were to go to this agency will go instead to paying down the national debt. Furthermore, I am calling on Congress to abolish the IRS by passing the Fair Tax bill, which I will sign. This will ensure that all persons who are in our country, citizen or not, will pay an equal percentage of taxes; no filing required. It will also insure social security for many years to come.

I will veto any bill which comes before my desk with earmarks. Bills need to contain laws that are of need to our country, not petty, personal public works projects acquired from money which has been stolen from American citizens before they could even collect their paychecks.

All foreign aid will cease until the national debt has been paid, barring international disasters.

I will sign any bill which limits the amounts of personal injury lawsuits. It’s time these vampires of the insurance industry do honest work, instead of hurting our economy at the expense of us all.

I will sign any bill which affirms the rights of citizens by identification of DNA analysis. This will hopefully bring to an end the genocide of over one million Americans each year. If you desire the “choice” of infanticide, that choice will still be available… in Canada.

All borders on this nation which are not monitored by checkpoints are closed. If the Mexican president cannot handle the problem with drug smuggling across the southern border, then I will handle it for him. If any law enforcement officer is required to use lethal force to protect themselves and our country from those who are found smuggling drugs across our border, they will receive a presidential pardon from me that same day. All persons found on the border not belonging there will be arrested, according to the law.

I have thought long on matters in Iraq; matters I have inherited from my predecessor. The bottom line is we have no business there and never had, regardless of intentions. We are not the police force of the world, nor will we be involved in "nation building," importing our form of government to foreign nations much as the Soviet Union did in the 50's and 60's of the last century. To the people of Iraq, in the name of the office of the President of the United States, I issue an apology. I have been in touch with the prince of Saudi Arabia, the president of Turkey and the president of Syria. The country of Iraq will be divided into zones, with armies from each of these countries occupying and securing these areas. Iran will have no part of this matter and its border will be kept secure until such time as our forces can depart.

Although we are not the police force of the world, that does not mean I don’t believe in a strong military, able to respond to world crises as need be. To that end, by presidential order, I am reinstating a limited draft for homeland security purposes only. This will free up troops who will be able to respond for prolonged deployments while keeping homeland security strong.

Furthermore, as you may have heard, earlier this week I accompanied the 82^nd Airborne Rangers and the 54^th Engineer Battalion when we relieved soldiers of duty from Area 51 and Area S-4 in the Nevada desert. While this was occurring, Vice President Gray accompanied the 101^st Airborne Rangers and the 205^th Engineer Battalion with similar orders in Alice Springs, Australia. The commanding officers of those bases and their immediate subordinates were unwilling to follow orders from their commander in chief. There were casualties in the conflagration. Those who survived face trial by court martial on the charge of treason under the Universal Code of Military Justice. After securing the areas we performed thorough searches. The results of these searches will be revealed fully, when I hold my first press conference to speak to the people of America, and the world, one week from today.

An Inconvenient Gore

Okaayyy. The wheels are turning this morning, folks. My topic of the day is regarding what are called “offsets.” This idea is promoted as a defense by Al Gore for his lavish energy use. Basically, it goes like this: let’s say you use X amount of kilowatt hours of electricity over and above what you should be using to keep greenhouse emissions from causing the Earth to overheat. In order to make up for this, you could plant trees, use solar power, or pay “offsets” to a fund that pays others NOT to use electricity. The people who do not use electricity are those who do not have access to it; namely, those in 3^rd world countries. Perhaps you own a company that spews toxic wastes into the Etowah River. You pay a certain amount of money that goes into a fund to say, clean up dumpsites. Or pick up trash on the sides of the highways. It’s an interesting idea. I will not go into the whole global warming is occurring/is not occurring debate at this time. Here is the link for more information on offsets: http://www.townhall.com/columnists/LorieByrd/2007/03/01/aqua_nets_offsets_for_all!

This brings to my mind two ideas. The first is that this use of terminology is spankingly like the Scientologists’ use of terminology. It lends acceptability because the word is used in a new context. It’s not a sin, it’s an overt. It’s not a spirit, it’s a thetan. Scientology is a cult. So, why not just call an offset what it is? A payoff. A TAX. A tax on pollution that is involuntary. Oooo, we can’t do that… people would not accept it. Thank you, you have just proven my point. Well, taxes on pollution are not bad, when it comes to the preservation of the planet. This goes back to my idea of government being our surrogate for remembering the poor. We are the ones who are individually responsible for helping those in need. Robin Hood, as idealistic as it is, is not a standard for government. That’s called communism.

Secondly and more importantly, offsets bring to my mind the idea of writs of indulgences. If you pay a certain amount, the priest would “pray” for your sin, or the sin of a deceased one, and this prayer is somehow more effective than your sinful prayer. Here we are in the 21^st century, and everything old is new again. You can pay an offset to have your liberal mind cleansed of the sin of polluting mother earth. Why stop there? Let’s pay a tax for the sin of offending minorities, whether we have participated or not. (We are doing this already- it’s called affirmative action) Let’s pay a tax for the eradication of any public display of religion. Some atheists might have been offended. Let’s pay a tax to (_____ fill in the blank_____).

Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s a good thing to save energy, to use solar power, to conserve natural resources. I don’t think it is good to make this ideology one’s religion.

By the way, did you know that the British government is making An Inconvenient Truth required viewing for every student in the country?

For those interested in the global warming debate, I refer you to this site:
http://www.junkscience.com/Greenhouse/
Getting information from more than one source is a good thing.