Review Picard Season One
Caution! Spoilers contained herein!
Happy 4th of July, everyone.
As for me, I am going to celebrate by going on a rant. I will be using CAPITAL LETTERS to designate my sincere disgust, my sighing disappointment in shredding what little goodwill I have left for the Star Trek franchise. Yes, over the past couple of days I have been watching Picard, where they haul aging stars out of their wheelchairs and try to write a show about how great President Carter was. Romulan Dude tries to murder Picard and all his buddies on board his ship and instead of blasting him into space dust, he insists on saving him. Scientist Assistant Annoying Girl is welcomed aboard ship as part of Picard’s crew, but then commits murder. She is quickly forgiven and even opens her legs for the pilot, showing how truly dumb all these people are.
“SHE’S A MURDERER!” I yell at the screen, to no avail whatsoever. But I get ahead of myself. It seems these is some kind of prophecy about a synthetic destroying all carbon based life forms. The Romulans have planted YET ANOTHER half Vulcan/half Romulan spy (it worked in Start Trek 6, didn’t it?) at Starfleet and this person has risen to the rank of Commander of all Starfleet Special Forces. You would think they might have, oh, I don’t know, lie detection tests and DNA screens to avoid this kind of situation again? Starfleet is vacuous in the brain pan, so no. They don’t deserve to go on. Instead, the Vulcan/Romulan whose name is Commander Oh, as in OH NO, mind rapes the Scientist, Assistant Annoying Girl (who later becomes a MURDERER and Manchurian Candidate) and puts a tracker in her that works beyond 500,000 miles knowing that she will accompany Picard.
But it gets worse. The writers decide to completely RIP OFF THE BACKSTORY OF DUNE, and have their own Machine Crusade. I was face-palming and rocking back and forth on the chair aghast in utter disbelief and annoyance. Then, they decide to dress the synths aka androids on the planet in leftover unitards from Logan’s Run. I call the synths the Shimmery Skin Contact Lens People, and they held about as much story believability as the name implies. Yes, we can create positronic brains, but we can’t produce artificial skin that looks the least bit like normal.
Picard meets Data’s creator’s son, naturally played by Brent Spiner. He is making a literal FRANKENSTEIN, only looking for a human to foolishly volunteer to get put into the new experimental body. Didn’t they already do this in Young Frankenstein? Then, Picard has to go off into space to meet the Romulan fleet, only he does not get blown up due to a Deus Ex Machina, the first of many. Scientist Assistant Murderer Annoying Girl makes 30 copies of her face that float around the bridge console. Don’t ask. Picard threatens the Romulans to make them listen to him MONOLOGUE even more about diplomacy so they surrender and retreat. I can’t say as I blame them. They beam him back down to the planet where Picard has a health crisis and we have to watch 8 WHOLE MINUTES of people crying and blathering on about how much they care about Picard. Even the MURDERER. For crying out loud. Yes, I fast forwarded through that section as fast as I possibly could. Picard dies, and I sigh and celebrate, thinking this abhorrent show is finally at an end.
But wait! It isn’t. There's more! “No!” I cry, objecting to EVEN MORE BAD WRITING. Picard is not dead after all because they took his ass and shoved him into the empty husk making him a LITERAL FRANKENSTEIN. Picard wakes up and they all share a joke and laugh. Except for me, as my senses, sensibilities and intelligence are still reeling from the incredibly bad experience I have had watching this show.
Season One of Picard did have some good parts. Hugh, the Borg who became partially human again had an appearance. Fortunately, he died halfway through so he did not have to go through the punishment of enduring the rest of the season. Commander Riker and Counselor Troi have a young daughter who is a little too spunky for my taste. “Hi, I am comic relief and I know 12 languages that I invented. I am almost as annoying as Wesley Crusher.” Oh, the good part about that is that she was not actually Wesley Crusher.
Another good thing about Picard Season One is that I did not have to watch one second of Whopee/Guinan. Not one. Thank goodness.
Do I recommend Picard Season One for a watch? No. However, I
have gone through the pain of watching it myself, so you don’t have to. If only
Q could give me the time back I spent watching it and cause me to forget it
completely.
G. Houtchens
armchair coach
amateur historian
