Monday, February 12, 2007

Terrorism vs. Terrorism pt. II

What can be done then? Here are my proposals:

1. Counter intelligence on a large scale is one thought. Infiltrate the terrorist groups and compromise them. During the 80’s and 90’s though, these resources were not renewed and allowed to dwindle to scant numbers. We don’t have the numbers now to do this sort of thing.

2. Dogs, dogs and more dogs. On every street corner, and in every unit. Trained to find explosives. They cannot use what they don’t have. Perhaps they could use trained pigs, as suicide bombers would be less willing to be covered in raw, steaming pork in their final second of earthly existence.

3. Mass manufacture the phalanx defense system from the Aegis naval cruiser class and place one every 100 feet along the Iran/Iraq border. Irradiate the processor chips until these self automated machines get minds of their own. Then stand back and watch the fun.

4. Rosie O’Donnell on drive-in-movie-size TV’s, in the center of each town, blaring loudly 24/7. This will make them run for their lives.

5. Send in the annoyingly smarmy Jack Bauer. His contract does not end for 2 more years, so there is no way he could die. Have him root out all terrorists single handed, crying over each one as a waste of human life.

6. Give the terrorists nuclear reactors like Bill Clinton did in the 90’s with North Korea! THAT will make them like us! Oh, never mind, that did not work.

7. Arrest every Mexican that crosses the border illegally and enlist them in the United States Army. Send them to Iraq. In one year we will have a 12 million man occupation force. (One that does not speak English, but oh well, you can’t have everything.)

8. Reincarnate Saddam Hussein as a zombie ghoul with help from friendly Voodoo practitioners from Haiti. He can gather the country together by lurching about, firing a shotgun into the air. If he accidentally blows his head off, no problem- he won’t even know it’s gone.

9. Have Jeb Bush covert to Islam. He will travel to Iraq and lead the masses by shouting “Death to America!” We can then decide the fate of the entire world with a cage WWF professional wrestling match. Hulk Hogan can be George Bush’s manager, and Abdullah the Butcher can be manager for Jeb.

10. Tell President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran that the prince of Saudi Arabia, Sultan bin Abdul Aziz al-Saud, says his moustache looks like that of Prince, the musical artist. Ahmadinejad will take offense, and mad war will break out in the Middle East. While they are busy, we send in Tim the Tool Man Taylor to fix the uranium enriching centrifuges in Iran’s bunkers. Naturally, he will unwittingly destroy them.

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